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Wide awake

ON another more positive note. Well, maybe not positive, but certainly not negative. I can’t sleep. It’s always this way; when I have to get up in the morning, I can never sleep at night. I don’t know what it is, and those nights where I have to catch a flight,  or train the next  day are the worse!

  I don’t know what to do; I’ve tried listening to music, lying in the quiet, writing. Nothing works. Don’t give me that mess about warm milk; that’s just something Grandma gave you to quiet you down. It only put you to sleep because that’s  what she said it did. Lol, just kidding, but it really doesn’t work. I miss Wi-fi; I miss sleeping to old time radio. Don’t judge; it’s the only thing that helps. Lol, goodnight/morning,  I’m going to pray that music helps me sleep. 

A Mile In Our Shoes

All the time, you hear adults go on and on about how children are too young to be stressed, too young to be depressed.But of course you think that way, because you’ve never walked a mile in their shoes.
All the time, you hear adults go on and on about how no child has ever attempted, or committed suicide;

But of course you think that way, because you’ve never walked a mile in their shoes.
All the time, you hear adults tell little anxious boys and girls to man up, stop acting scared;

That’s easy for you to say, because you don’t have anxiety, you haven’t experienced a panic attack, and, again, you’ve never walked a mile in their shoes.
sometimes, you might hear adults say: you’re lying, you weren’t raped, you wanted that to happen.

Of course they’ll think that way. They haven’t seen, or felt the pain we were feeling, because they weren’t in the room… they’ve never walked a mile in our shoes.
They will never walk a mile in my shoes; that is a journey too long and hard for them. Oh, if they only knew the challenges I’ve faced, and still face; not only as a survivor of suicide, a survivor of rape, but as an African American, blind woman, and a proud member of the LGBT community.
You’ll never get to see my scars if you don’t know me; my own mother doesn’t get to see them, especially not the physical scars, and I live with her. Isn’t that crazy? If only she knew the pain she caused; if only I could forgive her. If only she could walk a mile in my shoes.

Hard time dealing

I know I have people in my corner, but right now, I’m feeling pretty alone. i’m not quite sure why I feel this way, but I know one thing; I’m long overdue for a visit with my therapist. If only the struggle weren’t so real. Today, had I not blasted some music, I might have done something really stupid; something that might cause a few people to Yellit me. Yes, I feltthat low. I just wish things were going better for me. Between what’s going on in my house, and what’s going on with me and my friends, I don’t really know where to turn.  I just need a change of scenery; I cannot wait until next month! I’m going to make the best of my week away. Anyway, talk to you guys later.

My weekend

I can honestly say I had a great weekend! On friday, I got my locs retwisted, and boy, did they retwist them. I left the salon with a headache. Oh, they also styled them.

  That  night, I went to Olive GARDEN with a couple of friends. It was fun, even  though my ride was an hour late, I still managed to get there in enough time, so I didn’t have to vush through my food. I ended up taking most of it home anyway. I had chicken alfredo, and chocolate moose cake. It was “scrum-diddly” as I tell my friends. Lol, don’t ask where I came up with that word, because I don’t know. I ate my cake as a midnight snack, and the rest of my pasta for breakfast.

  Saturday, we celebrated my brother’s birthday. we went to the Golden corral where I had one plate of food, and some dessert. I’m not huge on buffets, particularly that one. Apple pie was my dessert, so all was right with the world.

  Yesterday, I went to a bbq. My  uncle was working, (which meant hanging out with me, and my friends), so that was fun. It was in a huge parn, with different food venders, people selling jewelry, essential oils, and someone giving massages. I bought a body oil, and three packs of wax melts for my candle warmer. The body oil’s called Carmel Rose by Victoria Secret. I bought strawberry, mango pineapple, and pear in the wax melts. I have strawberry going now, but it smells more like vanilla. Iwait to try theothers. 

  The first food vender we went to was horrible. He burned  my burger, and the chicken. AFTER a while, I bought a cartwheel. That’s an ice cream sandwich, but the sandwich part is gram cracker. It was good, but rather messy. For dinner, I had chicken tenders,  and fries.

  That’s pretty much my weekend. I’m so glad everything went smoothly; that’s all I ever want.

Not having A Good Day

I woke up this morning in a great mood. I watched some TV, then got ready for my interview. I got there smoothly; the lady took one good look at me, and my cane and said, “you know this job requires a lot of walking, right?”. I was really annoyed, but I didn’t show it. I simply told her thank you, and have a good day. I went to my aunt’s house to avoid my homelife. That’s fine, my cousin and I went to Duncan Donnuts. 
  Fast forward to later. My best friends are upset with me, maybe they’re joking. It doesn’t seem like it.  Maybe  I’m overthinking it, but what if I’m not? I hate having people mad at me, but whatever, I’ll just stay to myself for a while. Whenever they’re ready to talk, I’ll be here. 

Just one more question

What would you do if you were caught in the middle of a situation that technically has nothing to do with you? You try to stay out of it, but one person is  yelling messages at you to give to the other, and the other person is telling you what to say back to the first person, but the first person isn’t trying to hear it. Are you guys confused yet? It’s crazy, and I can’t go into  full details.   That would take forever. 

  Anyway, you (being  caught in the middle)  can’t really play peacemaker, because you’re terrified you’ll get hurt in the process. Meanwhile, persons  A and B are going at it on social media like children, when they’re older than you.  You  know you can unfriend them, but it’s embarrassing to see them act this way. So, you scroll pass these posts, and shake your head.

  Like I said, this is all really crazy. I need advice about this whole thing. What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to feel?

Some thoughts before I sleep

Today wasn’t boring, or fun. It was just … today.  I did what I always do; talk to my friends. However, I have been feeling rather explosive lately, like I could go off on someone at any moment. Now, I know who to take my anger out on, and who not to. I just feel an outburst is long overdue, and that’s because it is. I just let my emotions bottle up. I’m currently listening to Pentatonix in headphones, as I write this; hoping to relax, and it’s working a bit. 

  I’m also anxious; I have this job interview tomorrow, and I’m hoping, and praying I get this job. Living like this is depressing, especially when there’s nowhere to  escape to. It’s almost like I have no safe place to hide.   Ugh, tomorrow, I have a lot of job applications to fill out, and a lot of calls to make. It’s just time I start doing what I need to do for me, even if it means hurting some people along the way. They’ll just have to deal with it. I have to learn to be selfish, and not so kind, because i feel my  kindness is being taken for weakness, and my blindness is being taken for stupidity. So, with that being said, tomorrow, i’m making some moves. I just need some motivation to keep pushing forWard; I feel determined to do these things now, but in a few days,  I’ll be discouraged all over again, so who’s gonna help me? Who’s gonna be the one to help me stay on track? I’m serious, it’s time for a change. Goodnight, I’m going to try to sleep. Wish me luck; I’ll need it.  

Feeling kinda hurt

I am feeling some type of way. That’s what my cousin used to say when she was upset. I’ve had a pretty trying week, and I got a check in the mail for a large amount of money.  You think that would cheer me up, right? Wrong. I hoped, and prayed for days that it would go through, because I could really use it. Unfortunately, it did not. Thank goodness no damage was done to my account. I just wish that for once, I could catch a break. On the plus side though, I’ve had two job interviews so far, and I have another one on Tuesday. We shall see if positive news comes my way. With that being said, I need prayers, good luck, hugs, good vibes, and all of that sent my way,  because I really really really need a job! Really!

Just a positive poem

What do you seeWhen you look in my eyes?

Do you see tears that were never cried?
What do you hear

When you listen to my voice?

Do you hear the sadness of an unmade choice?
What do you think

When they mention my name?

Do you find me enbarrassing?

Do I put you to shame?
What were your thoughts

When I walked out the door?

Did you think I would fall,

And not soar?
Did you think I would crumble and drop?

Well, those thoughts need to stop,

Because I’m doing better than ever!

Becoming stronger

And more clever.
Next time I come around,

I’ll be skyward bound.

Watch me fly

As I pass you by!

You’ll regret everything: all the lies.

You’ll regret all the pain; all the BS YOU’ve implanted in my brain.
I’ll never be the same.

I have you to blame.

So, I thank you for killing me,

Because actually, you’ve made me stronger.

Keep your memories,

Because the old me is no longer.